


Housebolt

by heartemoji



Category: Homestuck, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, I'm Going To Body Slam HTML Into Hell, No Prior Knowledge of Homestuck Is Necessary, Or If Colors Need To Be Adjusted, Please Tell Me Of Any Mistakes In The HTML, Though It'd Be Helpful, To Deal With This Nonsense, character focused
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-03-09 13:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13482762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartemoji/pseuds/heartemoji
Summary: Bing forces his friends(and enemy) to play a game named Sburb with him. It goes just about as well as you'd expect it to when you throw twelve unpredictable and unstable men into a video game and force them to work together.





	1. Bing: Make Friends Play A Video Game

**Author's Note:**

> Where doing it man  
> Where making it happen  
> Homestuck AU for Mark's Egos.

  


\-- Everyone --

  


Bing: Hey dudes you know that game I’ve been talking about for the past two weeks

Google: Sburb?

Bing: Yes! That one, I finally got the guy to give me twelve copies of it so we could test it out! It’s in beta right now so we’re like beta testers!

Google: You say that like we’re going to play the game.

Bing: I know you are!

Google: I’m not.

Bing: Yes you are! You owe me one! 

Google: .... 

Bing: Ya know, from the time when you ripped my arm off because I accidentally collided with you in the hallway? 

Google: I recall. 

Bim: I remember that lmao 

Google: It was not my proudest moment. 

Bing: Ya know… I feel the exact same way dude. 

Bing: Anyone else want to play? 

Bim: What’s it about? 

Bing: No g****** idea, they haven’t told me a d*** thing about the plot or how to play- they say that that’s half the fun. I think there’s fighting and quests involved, though. 

Bim: Like an rpg? 

Bing: Yeah, I think so. 

Yandere: Oh, I like rpgs, I’ll play! 

Bing: Awesome, that’s three of us, Bim, you wanna play? 

Bim: Yeah sure why not, I have some time to kill 

Jim: Game? We like playing games! 

Bing: Okay, Jims, I’m not giving you guys four copies of the game, that’d be boring. 

Jim: :( 

Jim: What if I told you that two of my brothers were out? 

Bing: I’ll give you a single copy, you can share. 

Jim: Okay! 

Google: That’s five players now. 

Bing: I know, I can count to at least 10. 

Google: If I could feel emotions I would feel sorry for your very existence. 

Bing: Uncalled for. 

Bim: Wrecked 

Bing: Shut it. I’m going to beat the story mode before all of you! 

Wilford: Not if I join in on this fun ;) 

Bing: Wilford, dude, you’re pretty bad at video games, no offense. 

Wilford: I’m offended 

Yandere: Bing’s right, you’re horrible 

Wilford: Now I’m double offended 

Bim: Prepare to be triple offended 

Wilford: Now you’re all just ganging up on me :( 

Jim: Silver is better at video games than you are. 

Silver: Hey! 

Wilford: Okay that one offended BOTH of us 

Bing: This seriously pains me, but I’ll allow both of you to join. 

Silver: I didn’t even ask to join?! 

Bing: Thanks for being our seventh player. 

Silver: Okay then 

Wilford: I’m going to prove that I’m a better gamer, even if it kills me! 

Google: That would be inadvisable. 

Wilford: EVEN IF IT KILLS ME! 

Doctor: I’m trying to work what is going on here. 

Wilford: I’M PROVING MY WORTH AS A GAMER AND AS A HUMAN BEING! 

Bing: I’m trying to get everyone to play a game also why are you working on a Sunday? 

Doctor: I’m never not working. 

Bing: Never become a doctor, kids. 

Doctor: Whatever imaginary kids are out there, don’t listen to Bing. 

Bing: Become a skateboarder instead. 

Doctor: Definitely don’t listen to Bing. 

Google: I second that. 

Bing: Hey! Our two colors make Christmas colors! 

Bing: No Google you f***** it up. 

Bing: A******. 

Bing: Whatever. We still need four more people. 

Bim: Can’t you start the game with less than twelve? 

Bing: Probably. Maybe not though. 

Yandere: It’ll be a lot more fun if there’s more people 

Bing: What Yan said. 

Google: Five. Dr. Iplier has not yet said he wanted to play. 

Bing: You’ll play, won’t you doctor? 

Doctor: I imagine you won’t let me not play. 

Bing: You got that right dude! 

Google: It’s his worst quality. 

Bing: The quote is ‘It’s his best quality and his worst.’ 

Google: But you have no good qualities. 

Bing: You’re so hurtful to me, your brother. 

Google: We’re not related. 

Bing: Now you’re DISOWNING ME AS A BROTHER! 

Google: I despise you with every single line of my code. 

Bing: And I love you despite that. 

Google: I’m not justifying that with a reaction. 

Wilford: Alright kids, behave 

Wilford: We only need four more people, right 

Wilford: I bet I can get Dark in on this action 

Bim: No 

Jim: Dark scares me 

Bing: If you get Dark to join our game I’ll give you 1,000 of whatever currency is in the game as soon as I get it. 

Wilford: Deal 

  


\-- Wilford \+ Dark \--

  


Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Dark 

Wilford: Darki 

Dark: What do you want. 

Wilford: Play a game with us 

Dark: No. 

Wilford: Please 

Wilford: Please 

Wilford: Please 

Wilford: Please 

Wilford: Please 

Dark: Fuck you. I’ll bite. 

Wilford: Please 

Wilford: Oh great

  


\-- Everyone --

  


Wilford: Guess who owes me a thousand of something or another? 

Bing: D*** it. 

Wilford: So now we only need three more people 

KotS: I can join the game if you need help 

Bing: YOU HAVE A COMPUTER?? 

KotS: Yes, of course, Dark required us all to have a laptop and a mobile phone. 

Mask: Heyyyy I hear we’re going to have FUN! 

Bing: I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel with KotS but I have no other choice. 

Bing: Do you guys want to play this new game with us? We only need three more players. 

KotS: Sure. I’m told I need to interact with others more. 

Mask: Yeeeaaahhh! 

Bing: H*** yeah. 

Wilford: Bing didn’t even need to trap you two into playing. That's amazing 

Bing: I don’t trap anyone into playing! 

Doctor: I could beg to differ. 

Dark: So could I. 

Google: I have evidence. 

Bing: Okay, okay, chill dudes. You’re going to enjoy playing this game anyways. 

Host: I’ll be your last player. 

Bing: Great. 

Host: It is my predetermined destiny to be a part of this game. 

Bing: What the h*** are you saying my dude. It’s just a game. 

Host: Of course, my apologies… just a game. I’ll join. 

Bing: I did it. Twelve players. We’re gonna do this. I’m emailing you all your copies of the game. 

Google: Your email is a hotmail account. 

Bing: Yeah, f*** you, gmail is for fucking nerds. 

Google: Everyone else has gmail. 

Bing: Yeah because you’re all f****** nerds. 

Google: I’ve received my copies. 

Bim: So have I 

Jim: Us too! 

KotS: Me too 

Mask: I got iiiiit 

Wilford: I got it 

Dark: Let’s just assume that we have all received our copies. 

Bing: Good idea, Google and I are gonna connect and f*** around a bit until we figure out what we’re supposed to be doing and then we’ll tell you guys what to do. 

Doctor: Sounds good. 

Dark: Adequate. 

Bing: Dark you’re almost as bad as Google when it comes to being mean to me. 

Dark: Well obviously I’m not trying hard enough, than. 

Wilford: I can help! 

Wilford: Bing, you’re ugly! 

Bing: WE LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! 

Wilford: DID YOU JUST CALL ME UGLY?! 

Bing: YOU CALLED YOU UGLY!! 

Dark: Children, behave. 

Wilford: You stole that line from me! 

Dark: Shit- I did. 

Bim: You played yourself Dark. 

Yandere: All three of them played themselves.

  


\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Bing: I’m ignoring everything that just happened in the other chat and I started up the client, it’s waiting for a server to connect. 

Google: I’m connecting. 

Bing: Nice we connected. 

Bing: Now what? 

Google: I can see you through my viewport. 

Google: I also have a type of user interface on the upper part of my screen with a few options. 

Google: The section on the far left appears to be camera controls. 

Google: Beside it appears to be three cursor options named Select, Revise, and Deploy. Beyond that are four more options named Phernalia Registry, Grist Cache, Explore Atheneum and Alchemy Excursus. 

Bing: Phernalia Registry sounds fun. 

Google: There’s a few objects in the Registry, but only four we can currently build. The Cruxtruder, the Totem Lathe, the Alchemiter, and a pre-punched card. 

Bing: What are you waiting for? Slap ‘em down! 

Google: Your room isn’t big enough, but I believe that I can revise that. 

Bing: Every time you place something down it shakes my entire d*** house. 

Google: These must be heavy. 

Google: …. 

Google: It appears that I can’t place anything on top of you. 

Bing: HEY! 

Bing: You know what I’m going to ignore your attempted murder for a moment and instead play with these fun things. 

Google: It appears that the Cruxtruder’s top is stuck closed. 

Bing: If I turn the wheel hard enough the thing should pop out. 

Google: For two minutes and zero seconds I have watched you attempt to turn the wheel on the Cruxtruder’s side and I suggest another alternative: We push the top down by dropping something on it. 

Bing: NOT MY TV! 

Google: I would gladly drop you onto the Cruxtruder but I can’t pick you up. 

Bing: Just… 

Bing: Just let me say goodbye to my TV. 

Google: You’re ridiculous I’m dropping it. 

Bing: NO! 

Bing: What the h*** just came out of the Cruxtruder. 

Google: It appears to be a two dimensional circle, or a three dimensional sphere made to look two dimensional, abruptly changing between three colors: Green, white, and black. 

Bing: I know what it looks like, I can see it with my own two eyes but what is it? 

Bing: Is that a countdown? What is it for? 

Google: I’m not sure, however it perfectly coincides with the time the meteor bearing down on your house will collide with you. 

Bing: The WHAT bearing down on my HOUSE?! 

Google: A huge number of meteors aimed towards the Earth appeared suddenly half an hour ago. One appears to be aimed directly for your house. 

Bing: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?? 

Google: My intent was that you died blissfully unaware of the meteor, as it is impossible for you to escape its destructful range. 

Bing: So what? Playing this game is the last thing I’ll ever do. 

Google: Yes. It is probably the last thing all of us will do. 

Google: If it’s any condolence I will be hit with a meteor twenty minutes after you. 

Bing: You know what? That does make me feel better. 

Bing: For now I’m going to try and touch the flashing orb because what the hell I’m gonna die anyways. 

Google: The orb doesn’t seem to like being touched. 

Bing: :( 

Google: Perhaps that’s the point? 

Google: It’s possible that we’re supposed to put something in it. 

Bing: MY FAVORITE SKATEBOARD! 

Bing: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DESTROY THE THINGS I LOVE? 

Google: You don’t know that putting the skateboard in the orb will destroy it. 

Bing: I mean, it probably will, realistically. 

Google: There’s nothing we can do except find out. 

Bing: Oh my god that’s beautiful. 

Google: Why the hell did your skateboard turn into that. 

Bing: Did you look at the underside of my skateboard? 

Bing: That’s why it turned into a purple cat with a bow tie. 

Google: The flashing has not ceased. 

Bing: It is also sprouting incomprehensible noises that vaguely remind me of nyan cat and the color purple. 

Bing: Also my skateboard is gone. 

Google: Whoops. 

Bing: I know for a fact that you’re being sarcastic. 

Bing: You’d gladly let me be crushed by a meteor any day. 

Google: Correct.

Bing: Whatever. 

Bing: Oh the Cruxtruder spat out a green cylinder when I turned it. 

Google: Both the Totem Lathe and the Alchemiter have platforms that perfectly fit that shape. 

Bing: You put the Totem Lathe down second so logic says we use that second. 

Bing: Let’s just slap it in there and clamp it in…. 

Bing: Now what. 

Google: The pre-punched card. 

Bing: Oh awesome, there’s a spot for it right here. 

Bing: Why does this game have so many handles to turn. 

Google: You’ve turned two handles. 

Bing: One too many. 

Bing: Oooo look at this nice shape it carved into it. 

Bing: We can slap this onto the small platform on the Alchemiter. 

Bing: It made a chest? 

Bing: And the chest spit out a… magic 8ball? 

Google: Shake it? 

Bing: I have to ask it a question, first. 

Bing: Magic 8ball, what do I do? 

Bing: It said ‘Wait for it’ ... a**. 

Google: Wait for what?

  


\-- Bingsprite \+ Bing \--

  


Bingsprite: I know you haven’t been paying attention to the timer but you have seconds before a meteor strikes your home. 

Bing: What the h***? 

Bing: Who the h*** are you? 

Bingsprite: There’s no time to explain. 

Bingsprite: SMASH THE 8BALL! 

Bing: What will happen? 

Bingsprite: SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SMASH IT FOR YOU! 

Bing: D*** OKAY!!

  


\-- Google \+ Bing \--

  


Google: Bing? 

Google: Bing what happened? I’ve lost sight of you. 

Google: Oh. The meteor will have hit your house by now. 

Google: RIP.


	2. Bing: Be Not Dead

\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Bing: I’m alive! Shia surprise!

Google: You’re an asshole.

Google: And what the hell is that thing beside you.

Google: It looks like you but it’s floating and the same color as your text.

Bing: His name is Bingsprite and honestly I have no f****** idea, I’ll ask him what’s up.

  


\-- Bing \+ Bingsprite \--

  


Bing: What the f*** is up with you?

Bingsprite: Wow rude.

Bingsprite: Also you might want to step outside onto the balcony.

Bing: Okay where the h*** am I?

Bingsprite: You’re in the Medium.

Bingsprite: What your sprite is doing right now is splitting, the two pieces are going to Derse and Prospit, where they'll increase the size of the battlefield on Skaia.

Bingsprite: And the part that’s staying behind is the sprite.

Bingsprite: You can prototype it one more time, preferably with something dead or dying.

Bing: This is good info but you didn’t answer my question.

Bingsprite: Chill, this is the prologue to my answer. I’m a sprite now I have to say stupid s*** and help you.

Bing: Wait hold on, I could be my own sprite?

Bingsprite: Yes but I don’t recommend it.

Bingsprite: Actually- you are your own sprite.

Bingsprite: I’m you from another timeline, a doomed timeline specifically.

Bingsprite: I just had a great idea.

Bing: There’s so much going on right now.

Bingcatsprite^2: You're telling me?

Bing: Did you just prototype my sprite with yourself?

Bingcatsprite^2:Yeah, now I’m a squared sprite. Cool shit happens when you prototype a sprite with a sprite.

Bingcatsprite^2: Now I can properly tell you what happened to me.

Bingcatsprite^2: Okay, so in my timeline I got Google to help me trap my Kernelsprite so I could become my own sprite.

Bingcatsprite^2: Obviously this was a horrible idea but I didn’t realize this until after I was prototyped.

Bingcatsprite^2: So as a single prototyped sprite that hadn’t yet entered the Medium I was essentially a floating head.

Bingcatsprite^2: I couldn’t complete the cruxite artifact to enter the Medium and my house was destroyed.

Bingcatsprite^2: But before it was destroyed I used my sprite powers to f*** off to the Host’s house, where I entered the Medium with him.

Bingcatsprite^2: The Host and Dark did some alchemy stuff, Google was destroyed in that time because of it, but my real goal was guiding the Host and Dark to getting the materials in order to create a time machine.

Bingcatsprite^2: We successfully created a time machine and I travelled back here into the alpha timeline.

Bingcatsprite^2: I was too late to stop you from prototyping yourself the first time, some other events must have changed your mind somewhere. But I realized a doomed timeline was about to be created by you not entering the Medium in the first place.

Bingcatsprite^2: Which would be really bad especially because you’re the Mage of Time.

Bingcatsprite^2: But you did enter the Medium so this is fine.

Bing: Wait… then what happened to the people in your timeline?

Bingcatsprite^2: Google is chilling in a dream bubble somewhere because he died. Everyone else ceased to exist.

Bingcatsprite^2: Except for me, but I would have died if I hadn’t prototyped myself with your sprite.

Bing: So you’re going to help me beat this game?

Bingcatsprite^2: H*** yeah! That’s a sprite’s purpose.

Bingcatsprite^2: I’m supposed to do it via riddles and shit but f*** that.

Bingcatsprite^2: If you have a question I can answer it.

Bingcatsprite^2: Unless you ask about your Denizen and their Choice, that I don’t know s*** about.

Bing: Okay… what do I do now?

Bingcatsprite^2: Get to the first portal that’s above you and arrive on your land.

Bing: My land?

Bingcatsprite^2: Yeah, LOSAJ.

Bing: That sounds like an acronym.

Bingcatsprite^2: That’s because it is, it stands for the Land of Shade and Jubilee.

Bing: Sounds fun.

Bing: That also explains why everything is so dark outside.

Bingcatsprite^2: Also you should go back to talking with Google, he’s getting annoyed at your silence.

  


\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Bing: I’m back.

Google: What have you learned?

Bing: His name is now Bingcatsprite^2 and he’s me from a separate timeline where I f***** up, he came into this timeline to make sure I didn’t f*** up.

Google: If his goal is to stop you from fucking up he’s going to have a difficult time.

Bing: Hey! :(

Google: Did he tell you what happened before the meteor struck?

Bing: Oh yeah, I was transported into a place called the Medium, and we need to go through a portal that will bring me to my planet called LOSAJ.

Google: The portal above your house?

Bing: Yeah that one.

Bing: We gotta build to it.

Google: Bing.

Google: There’s something in your room.

Bing: That is the most ominous thing you’ve ever said.

Bing: And you constantly spout s*** about killing humanity.

Google: Just go in there.

Bing: What is that?

Google: Kill it.

Bing: Good idea. According to video game rules it will drop the shit we need.

Google: You have wrenchkind allocated to your strife specibus?

Bing: Don’t knock the wrench Mister Hammerkind.

Bing: Wrenchkind and Hammerkind are basically the same weapon anyways.

Google: ….

Google: I can’t deny that.

Bing: D*** right.

Bing: It exploded into Gushers.

Google: You’ve collected them. It’s just normal build Grist and something called Shale.

Bing: Oh! I levelled up! I gained two levels on my echeladder and now I can carry more grist.

Google: I see that.

Google: We can build something called a Punch Designix now.

Bing: Great

Bing: When do we bring the others into the game?

Bing: Because you’re gonna be crushed by a meteor eventually, right?

Google: Yes.

Google: In fact, let’s talk to the others now. I think you have everything you need to complete this alchemy system.

Google: As I have approximately fifteen minutes before a meteor destroys me.

  


\-- Everyone --

  


Dark: I will disembowel you.

Wilford: That’s fair.

Bing: Woah what the h*** is going on in here.

Bim: Perfect timing, Bing

Yandere: We had the conversation of a lifetime until Wilford ruined it

Bing: Oh, what were you talking about?

Bim: So right after we left we started talking about our family lineage together if we were all related

Bim: We started talking about it because Dark called Wilford his child

Bim: Basically the lineage went like this:

Bim: Dark’s our edgy grandfather, Wilford’s our dad, KotS, Host, and Dr. Iplier are our weird uncles, everyone else is Wilford’s children. Mask is our bouncing baby brother

Yandere: I would like to mention that this was a very heated discussion about where we split Uncles and Children, or if Dark AND Wilford should be our dads, among other things

Yandere: It was a mess

Bim: After we settled on a conclusion there was a few minutes of silence until

Bim: Wilford: That means Dark is my daddy

Bim: And then that’s when you came in.

Bing: Yeah, that’s a fair response to that.

Bing: Also, the apocalypse has started according to Google.

Bing: And we need to enter the game in order to not be annihilated.

Bing: Google’s going to go in next.

Google: Host, you’ll be my server player.

Host: Alright.

Bim: So, Bing, what are you doing now?

Bing: I’m trying to figure out this crafting/alchemy system.

Bing: While simultaneously being attacked by these tiny monsters.

Bing: I’m leveling up quickly, but I there’s a LOT of levels.

Wilford: Well damn this is unfair, you have a clear advantage at winning the game

Bing: ;)

Bing: I also have 1,000 of the currency, which is called Boondollars.

Wilford: That was too easy, I should have made you give me more

Bing: I’m the master of bets.

Bing: Oh shit I just remembered that my bro was home when the game started.

Bing: Brb.

Wilford: Is he gone?

Wilford: Okay he’s offline

Wilford: We need to figure out how to sabotage Bing so I can win

Jim: We can help!

Wilford: Thank you, sweet Jims, he’ll never suspect that you two are helping me

Wilford: Killing Bing is a last resort

Wilford: So for now we need to trap him or severely delay him while I get further in the game

Jim: We would prefer that Bing doesn’t die

Wilford: You must be prepared to do anything to win

Jim: Anything….

Wilford: ANYTHING!

  


\-- Google \+ Host \--

  


Host: I suggest that you check on Bing.

Google: Is he on stand by mode? And why is there goo all over his house?

Host: His dream self is awake on Prospit.

Google: I don’t know what that means.

Host: Bing is asleep.

Host: I’m surprised that his dream self awoke this early.

Host: Regardless, an ogre is about to attack him.

Host: I’ll finish alchemizing the cruxite artifact while you assist Bing.

  


\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Google: Bingcatsprite^2 can you use Bing’s phone to talk with me?

Bing: Oh yeah totally, I’m assuming you want to know what’s up with Bing, right?

Google: Yes.

Bing: Every player that will play Sburb has a dream self, they reside on either Derse or Prospit and when they wake up your ‘real’ self falls asleep.

Bing: Bing’s dream self, which happens to be on Prospit woke up and is currently unaware of the danger his ‘real’ self is in.

Bing: If you try hard enough you can wake Bing up, but for now you’ll have to wait for his dream self to fall back asleep.

Google: So every one of us has a dream self?

Bing: Everyone except for Dark, who has two.

Google: Why does Dark have two?

Bing: Anomalies with players allow some to have two dream selves.

Google: What the hell is that?

Bing: An ogre.

Bing: We should probably destroy it before it kills Bing, Because I can’t resurrect him.

Google: Can you fight?

Bing: Oh yeah, I can fight, you drop heavy things on top of it.

  


\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Bing: Why is there grist everywhere and why am I three levels higher than I was before?

Google: Bingcatsprite^2 and I defeated an ogre while you were sleeping.

Bing: Awesome.

Bing: I was on like a planet, a very yellow planet. There were some quaint people with fake cat ears and tails on. It was very cute.

Google: The thing in your room earlier had actual cat ears.

Google: Did the people on Prospit have bow ties as well?

Bing: They did! How did you guess?

Google: Your first prototyping was a cat with a bow tie.

Bing: Oh I see.

Bing: Have you prototyped your kernelsprite yet?

Google: I have….

Google: I may have made a dire mistake.

Bing: Oh no.

Bing: What have you done?

  


\-- Google \+ Host \--

  


Google: It appears that your first prototyping affects the enemies you defeat by giving it similar properties.

Host: I’ve noticed. After you prototyped your kernelsprite the Prospitians on Prospit changed attire slightly.

Google: We shouldn’t have prototyped the chameleon painting.

Host: No. I am not looking forward to fighting the underlings you created.

Host: But what has been done is done.

Host: I created your cruxite artifact.

Google: Thank you.

Host: Now that you’re in the Medium, what are you going to use as a second prototyping?

Google: I’ve talked with Google_Yellow and we decided to use him as my second prototyping.

Host: Good choice.

  


\-- Googlesprite \+ Google \--

  


Googlesprite: Page, I am your guide throughout for the Medium.

Google: Tell me what I need to know.

Googlesprite: I will tell you when it is your time to know.

Googlesprite: Knowledge given to you at the wrong time will give the wrong results.

Googlesprite: Your position, as a Page of Mind, is important to the knowledge of your session.

Googlesprite: Explore your land and fulfill your duty, Page.

Google: Okay.

Google: I’m assuming I won’t get any more information out of you.

Google: Essentially making the decision to prototype Yellow completely meaningless.

Googlesprite: Not entirely, I’m not saying what I ‘should’ be saying.

Googlesprite: Sburb’s intention for sprites is to guide players using riddles.

Googlesprite: However your processors can’t piece through riddles so I’m speaking to you literally whilst not giving you all the information.

Google: Thank you.

Googlesprite: Of course.

  


\-- Google \+ Host \--

  


Host: While you were talking with your sprite I reopened the Phernalia Registry and there’s a few new items here.

Google: Oh?

Host: Jumper Extension Block, Intellibeam Laserstation, CD, and Punch Card Shunt.

Google: Can you deploy them?

Host: I can deploy the Jumper Block Extension, the CD, and the Punch Card Shunt, but not the Intellibeam Laserstation. I also don’t have the Punch Designix deployed as you have no shale.

Google: Put down what you can. I’ll find things I can defeat.

  


\-- Google \+ Host \--

  


Host: This is plenty enough to create what I need.

Google: I’m inserting the CD into my laptop.

Google: It appears to be a torrent of some sort. I can steal grist from other players.

Host: That will be unnecessary, however.

Host: In the past few minutes you’ve been a killing machine, and I have enough grist to build to your first portal.

Host: However, you should focus on building Bing’s house, he has been busy.

Host: After Dark helps me through to the Medium I will build your house to your first portal as well.

Google: I’ll speak with you soon, Host.


	3. Host: Pester Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this has taken so long to update, partway through writing chapter 5 I realized that this fic was a groupchat au and my entire soul died(and I lost motivation). But, ya know, why not update for Homestuck Day?

\-- Dark \+ Host \--

  


Host: Dark, it’s time for me to enter the Medium. I am already running the client.

Dark: I’ll have the server running soon.

Host: I don’t have a lot of time, we should hurry.

Host: Part of my house has been lit aflame by the meteor storm.

Dark: You should have said something earlier.

Host: Things are progressing at the pace at which they should.

Dark: Preferably fate doesn’t crush you with a meteor.

Host: Preferably.

  


\-- Google \+ Bing \--

  


Google: Wow. Host wasn’t lying when he said you made progress.

Bing: I have a game to beat.

Google: Give me a few minutes to make your platforms.

Bing: Why not just make a WHOLE bunch of stairs?

Google: The game has a physics engine, clearly.

Google: I don’t want your structure to collapse completely.

Bing: I mean… good point… I guess.

Bing: But where’s the fun in having a coherent and stable building?

Google: You can’t beat the game if you’re dead.

Bing: D*** you’re right.

Bing: You’re right….

Bing: Alright, build me a structurally stable house.

Google: Copy.

  


\-- Google \+ Bing \--

  


Google: Time to find out what’s on the other side of that portal.

Bing: H*** yeah.

Bing: Well what do you know?

Bing: The Land of Shade and Jubilee is pretty dark.

Bing: But where’s the Jubilee?

Bing: Where’s my people at?

Google: I can’t see you anymore, the camera is stuck on your house.

Bing: I’m a free boy now.

Bing: OH MY GOD THERE’S TINY CROCODILE PEOPLE HERE!

Bing: You can’t see them but there’s some VERY adorable crocodile people just chilling in this tiny village I just found.

Bing: And they’re PARTYING!

Bing: These are my kind of PEOPLE!

Google: I’ll leave you be, I have an ogre right outside my window.

  


\-- Dark \+ Host \--

  


Dark: What is this?

Host: Have you found something of importance?

Dark: In the Phernalia Registry there’s an item called an Ectobiology Apparatus.

Host: Don’t worry about it now, it won’t be important for some time.

Dark: What does it do?

Host: It aids in the breeding of the Genesis Frog, which we’ll be creating soon.

Dark: Your wide range of knowledge about the future concerns me sometimes.

Host: Don’t let it, I wouldn’t use my knowledge against anyone in the session.

Dark: But you won’t use it to assist anyone in the session either, will you?

Host: No matter what I say, the future is going to happen as predicted.

Dark: Of course. Speaking with you about your visions is always a moot point.

Dark: Onto more pressing matters, what should I use to prototype your sprite?

Host: Google and I discovered that prototyping affects the enemies that you’ll meet.

Host: So we should be careful.

Host: I don’t have many items in my house that could be used for prototyping.

Host: We might need to use whatever we can find.

Dark: Perhaps a book in your library?

Dark: Assuming the prototyping takes the likeness of the cover of your book.

Host: That could work.

Dark: The Mote in God’s Eye?

Dark: I didn’t expect you to be into science fiction.

Host: As much as you act like it, you don’t know everything about me, Dark.

Dark: Hm.

Dark: The title image contains a single giant eye.

Dark: If we prototyped this book, I believe our enemies would also lose an eye.

Host: And then we could take advantage of their lack of depth perception.

Dark: Exactly.

  


\-- Everyone --

  


Bim: Google, are you watching the main chat?

Google: I’m always watching the main chat.

Bim: I was thinking… now that the world is going to end, it makes your secondary objective a lot easier, doesn’t it?

Google: Extremely.

Google: With the extermination of the planet, you all are the only remaining scraps of humanity for me to kill.

Yandere: You’re going to kill us? Your friends?

Bim: I don’t think Google has friends?

Bing: Wait- hold on- I don’t count as a human do I?

Google: No, but if I decided to carry out my secondary objective I would kill you as well.

Bing: :(

Wilford: Google, if everyone but you is killed play ‘One Is The Loneliest Number’

Google: Affirmative.

Dark: Don’t abuse your administrative capabilities.

Wilford: Don’t be a killjoy Dark

Wilford: I’m going to get the last laugh even if it kills me

Bim: That would be funny if I could be alive to see it

Dr. Iplier: Your death-based humor is concerning, Wilford.

Wilford: Don’t analyze me!

Wilford: Half your patients die!

Wilford: Your death curse concerns me!

Dr. Iplier: I do not curse my patients to die, that would be counterintuitive to my practice.

Wilford: No no no, I have a theory that you’re a serial killer in hiding as a doctor!

Dr. Iplier: Stop right there- I don’t want to hear more of your silly theory.

Wilford: You know I’m close to the truth!

Wilford: That’s why you don’t want me to talk about it!

Wilford: See, I have a theory about you

Wilford: Firstly, your M.D. is FAKE!

Wilford: You went to college and dropped out because you were too smart for the dumbass professors!

Wilford: And then you went and did some Frankenstein-esque experiments that left you shunned by the sciencing community!

Wilford: So you faked your own death and returned to become a doctor!

Wilford: But you didn’t want to stop your experiments so you continuously kill your patients and bring them to your basement and experiment on them to create Hell creatures that you’ll eventually sic on the people that wronged you!

Google: Dr. Iplier went offline after ‘Firstly, your M.D. is FAKE!’

Wilford: THIS IS PROOF!

  


\-- Bim \+ Bing \--

  


Bim: Hey Bing, a while ago you said something about your bro being in the house with you, what happened there?

Bing: I’m… not sure…

Bing: I searched the whole house thoroughly and I didn’t find him.

Bing: There was a bit of blood near the front door though…

Bing: After that I kind of overheated and shut down.

Bing: And I woke up on a yellow planet it was super weird.

Bim: So Brody is missing?

Bing: Yeah….

Bim: That sucks…

Bing: I think he’s out there… on my planet…

Bing: I’ll find my bro.

Bim: You’ll find your bro

Bing: Oh no. I just realized. With the world ending and all, Matthias is going to die if he hasn’t already.

Bim: I’ve been trying not to think about it.

Bim: I texted him when meteors started touching down but…

Bing: He hasn’t texted back?

Bim: No

Bim: I’m worried

Bing: I’m sorry dude.

Bim: ...

  


\-- Bing \+ Google \--

  


Bing: With the world ending what happened to Green and Red?

Google: Yellow and I lost contact with them shortly after you entered the Medium, presumably they were destroyed by a meteor.

Bing: RIP the Christmas duo.

Google: RIP indeed, after I prototyped Yellow I’ve become the last one.

Bing: You prototyped Yellow?

Bing: I guess that makes sense.

Bing: But also RIP your clones.

Google: I believe there would be irony in my original self being the last remaining Google android.

Google: What happened to your ineffective clone?

Bing: I F******* FORGOT ABOUT HIM!

Bing: I think he’s around here somewhere.

Bing: I didn’t find him when I was searching for my bro.

Google: Did something happen to Brody?

Bing: Uh, yeah, he was in the house when we were pulled into the Medium, and then something happened to him.

Bing: I’m assuming you never saw him?

Google: Negative, presumably he is somewhere on your planet, taken away by one of the underlings.

Bing: D*** both of them are missing.

Bing: I’m not too worried about Ming(Mini Bing), I think he can handle himself.

Bing: I gave him a sword specibus a while ago.

Google: Where could you possibly find a sword his size?

Bing: I actually created it myself, it’s pretty sick.

Google: Did Brody have a weaponkind?

Bing: Uh, yeah, he has golfclubkind, he jokes that he’s the ultimate dad.

Bing: He doesn’t even golf.

Google: Nor is a golfclub an effective weapon.

Bing: You wanna talk ineffective weapons?

Bing: The Jims all have marblekind.

Bing: How the h*** are you supposed to fight with marbles?

Google: I can imagine a few ways….

Bing: Now I’m imagining you committing genocide with marbles.

  


\-- Dark \+ Host \--

  


Dark: Now that you’re in the Medium, I prototype your sprite a second time, correct?

Host: Yes.

Dark: Let’s dip into your fantasy books.

Dark: I see you have an interest in older books.

Host: Also correct.

Host: I enjoy reading old novels.

Dark: I’m going to pick a book more humanoid.

Dark: Alice in Wonderland should work.

Host: I’m not too interested to see what kind of personality this will create.

Dark: Too late now.

  


\-- Alicesprite \+ Host \--

  


Alicesprite: Hey!

Alicesprite: It’s nice to meet you, Seer.

Alicesprite: I’m your sprite, but I doubt you need me.

Alicesprite: You’ve been on Prospit for a while now- Space players tend to be Awake long before they enter the game!

Alicesprite: So you’ve had the chance to see your past, present, and future through the clouds above Prospit!

Alicesprite: You lucky gosling! You barely even need me!

Alicesprite: That makes my job easier, though!

Alicesprite: I can focus on beating things up.

Host: It is… nice to meet you as well Alicesprite.

Host: You’re correct on every account, though, I will not be making use of the knowledge you’re supposed to bequeath me with.

Host: I’m already aware of the war between Prospit and Derse, and how our entering the Medium sets in motion a grander war on Skaia.

Host: Skaia will be at its final form after KotS enters the Medium. After that, the forces of good, Prospit, will eventually fall to Derse.

Host: At that point the Reckoning starts, Skaia will be pummeled by meteors, and when the planet attempts to defend itself the meteors will be sent to Earth, causing the end of the planet.

Host: By that point we will all be in the Medium, and will have reached our respective planets.

Host: It is our goal, after that, to defeat the Black King and Queen before Skaia is destroyed.

Host: But our ultimate goal is to complete the Ultimate Alchemy. In order to do that we’ll need to defeat our Denizens. Dark and I will also need to breed the Genesis Frog in order to collect our Reward.

Host: Wilford also has the important side goal of completing our Ectobiology.

Alicesprite: You’re spot on!

Alicesprite: Good job!

Alicesprite: Also there’s about three ogres about to attack you.

  


\-- Dark \+ Host \--

  


Dark: What were you discussing with your sprite?

Host: It’s unimportant.

Dark: Liar.

Host: We talked about the future of our session.

Dark: I see.

Dark: We should focus on killing these motherfuckers.

  


\-- Bing \+ Dark \--

  


Bing: So I know you have like a housemate, right?

Dark: He’s in my home against my will but yes?

Bing: If someone’s in the house when you enter the Medium they follow you into it.

Dark: I see.

Dark: I’m not sure if he’s here or not. He spends most of his time in his computer, so it’s impossible to tell if he’s around.

Bing: You mean on his computer?

Dark: No, I mean in his computer.

Bing: I’m not gonna question it.

Dark: It’s probably better that way.

  


\-- Dark \+ Host \--

  


Dark: You’re as set up as you need to be.

Host: Yes, it’s nearing time for you to enter the Medium.

Host: I’ll be fine here, you’ve set down everything you need to set down.

Dark: I’ll return to build your house as soon as I can.

  


\-- Host \+ Google \--

  


Host: I’ve returned.

Google: Welcome back.

Host: I’ll begin to build the necessary structure.

Google: Thank you.

Google: I’ve learned from Googlesprite that my planet is the Land of Water and Whispering, LOWAW for short.

Host: That does not sound like the most hospitable planet for a robot.

Google: No, it doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I update once a year this fic will be done by the time I turn 70, haha. The possibility of Homestuck still being like common knowledge in 50 years is horrifying.

**Author's Note:**

> I love writing Bing and Google. They're a fucking trip.


End file.
